i cut my hair and yes, i was going through something


I saw a tweet the other day that said “I cut my hair and no, I wasn’t going through anything.” And I thought wouldn’t it have been nice to have the same sentiments? I cut my hair and yes, I was going through something and still am.

Author’s note: I wrote this two months ago, and while I was still very much hurting during that time, I am climbing upwards so the pain feels a little less than it did before.

Last year was challenging from the very start. January, I had a stint with Bell’s Palsy which temporarily paralyzed one side of my face for two weeks (albeit, it could’ve been a lot worse so I’m thanking God that it was short-lived). That rocked my world as it was my first time in the emergency room without family or friends. I was sitting on that pretty uncomfortable emergency room bed slightly fearful that I could’ve suffered from a stroke, but also surprisingly calm knowing that I could and was doing this by myself (well, God was there, too). Around March I was diagnosed with a chronic skin illness that will last me for the rest of my life and calls for dermatologist visits to relieve any pain. Both instances were and still are, hard pills to swallow. I experienced my first panic attack which felt like I was on the verge of a heart attack. And in June, I left my first job and thought my world was crashing down. I cried almost everyday of those two months that I was out of work. There were weeks when I didn’t leave my apartment. I had friends turn their back on me because they just couldn’t handle it (as if they were the ones going through all of this) and I threatened to move home more than once.

Talk about a bummer from January to December. There was something that needed to change and for some reason, I felt like it was my appearance. I couldn’t exactly change the things around me (or so I thought) but I could chop off my hair. And while my cut wasn’t too extreme since I already had shorter hair, it was refreshing all the while. I gained a confidence that I hadn’t felt in a long time. I felt like people could really see me instead of the job I had or the people I knew. I felt liberated, much like I did when I came out of my drought.

Why is it that women cut their hair when they’re newly single, or going through a life-crisis? The dead weight being shed is liberating and often signifies a fresh start, I suppose.

I feel like I’m turning a corner. And I know something greater is coming. I have incredible friends who I know will be there for me and I don’t have to second guess that. I’ve started to freelance, collaborate with brands and dabble in graphics again. And you know what? My hair care routine has changed drastically. I no longer feel bogged down with the weight of what to do with my hair or if my bantu knots are fully dry by the time I wake up in the morning.

I feel free.

BeautyRania Bolton